I got you an autographed Passion Pit vinyl for your birthday, but seeing as we no longer talk, I may as well just throw it away.

You really are a shitty person and I feel sorry for you.

So I was doing a U-turn at an intersection, and I had a green arrow. So I was free to go, right? I had the right away. This dude comes flying from my left, turning into the same lane as me and almost slams my car, so, as a reaction, I slam on my horn. He slams on the brakes, so I speed around him. And go on my way. I look in my mirror and he’s speeding up and is probably a foot from my bumper - both going 45mph - and when I get to the next intersection, I turn right, and he follows. It’s a one lane, but I managed to pass a car to put a car in between he and I. I turn into this apartment complex to try and lose him because I had about a quarter mile on him. I hadn’t seen him turn in so I thought he just left. I turned my car around, and then I noticed he was speeding into the complex - confirmation that he’s coming for me. So I hit the gas, and passed him. We made eye contact. Older, Hispanic male and a Caucasian woman in the passenger seat yelling at him to stop. He was furious. But for what? I hadn’t done anything. Never hit his car. I had the right away. I didn’t know what I did except for honking at him. So as we were making eye contact, I gave him a smirk and put my hand into the shape of a gun and “shot” him, sort of like my way of saying “gotchya”.

This is a true story that just happened to me and also a lesson to all: you won’t be able to catch me if I’m driving my Camry.

Unless you’re the police.

'Cause that's happened.

My dad said he was proud of me tonight and that means a hell of a lot coming from him.